We may have felt more interesting, we may have thought we’ve been more interesting, but I doubt we’ve ever been more interesting than we are now. As I believe that I will be more interesting later, rather than sooner. Our character is defined by our bumbs and our bruises, our hurts and our joys, our failures, and our triumphs. Through life we are shaped by what we live. Through us, our world around us is shaped. From the good decisions we make, and always by the bad ones, We learn. What works, what doesn’t work, and we learn we must be able to see the change before we can be the change, and before we can be the change, we must believe the change. Life becomes less black and white, less good, more evil. I believe all of us recognize what is good, recognize what is the right to do in any given situation, what we should do. Some of us choose to pursue that good in the hopes that it will make our lives better than its ever been. Some settle for much less, fearing too strongly to reach for more. Whether having failed in the past, or not having tried to succeed at all. Sometimes we don’t allow our instinct to guide us. We disconnect. We refuse to see the truth in any given situation, we fear what may lie in our own hearts, in our own minds. So we miss it, we look right past it, usually deeply into an illusion. My only hope is that all people can come to realize there is something greater. Something much more fulfilling than the mediocrity of everyday life. But there it lies, deeply rooted in the experience of everyday life, waiting for us to take it, waiting for us to seize the life we have so longed for.
At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.
—Plato
you can only walk the wrong path so long before you realize you have to take a different way
I
I Taste, I Feel, I breathe.
I’m alive
Every sense heightened
Fear is no longer present. I desire, I breathe.
Breathe
This is poetry.
Relaxation sweeps over you. It feels good, new, refreshed.
I left worried, troubled, confused, and anxious, but with hope.
I have lived twenty one years. I’ve lived twenty one years, and only now do I realize, I don’t have to be afraid.
I was afraid, at times I may be again, but it can be conquered. Fear is not my master, it is not my maker, and it will not decide my outcome. Fear is there TO BE conquered, to be overcome. That is how we become great. Fear does, in fact, decide our fate, by either the the rising above it, or the submission to it’s will.
We all live our entire lives socializing, and interacting with people. If someone is having a bad day that we know, we deal with it, if they’re happy, we’re inspired by it. If we have to go through life bearing the total brunt of what is a personality, a person multiplied all of whom we have met in our life, what is one more going to do?
But what if it’s not real, what if it’s not true?
Ah, but it feels so right.
badadada
today i leave this town and embark on a journey. A journey that dwarfs every journey before it, and every journey that will ever come. A great journey it will be, a journey of peace, a journey of joy, a journey of righteousness. a journey which has been made possibly by Amtrak trains. Yes, approximately 10 hours from this very moment, I will be back in hopewell junction
you thought this was some epic tale about the search of the holy grail, or some shit, didn’t you?
it isn’t…
or is it?
i really am
truly glad you moved on. In retrospect, I am very happy to have met you, and known you in the way I did. There is so much of life to live, so many moments to experience, and I’m just glad I was able to meet, and to learn from you. So much of our friendship I enjoyed, even though much I didn’t. You entered and remained in my life for more than a fleeting moment, though the time was extended, it was still only a glimpse, barely a scratch in the chalkboard of what we call life. A drop in an ocean. I don’t mean to get deep. I just want you to know how much it meant to me to know you. And really, writing this is pointless, because words can’t express what it means to me. If only you could feel what I feel. Though there is still much regret, and remorse pain of simply not having you here, now. Right now I feel something that could be described no better than a swelling of pride. Yes, I am proud to have known you. While I am sorry to be saying so in a blog on tumblr, in a way that is not very personal at all, it is ok. I just wish to express this, my deepest and most profound feeling of being touched by you. Because of you the course of my life has been forever altered, Thank you.
Sincerely
well, Me
fear
ah fear, terrible, controlling, paralyzing fear.
we all have fears, there is not a person without them, though they may seem to be without it.
they appear to be greater than the average man. these people take action where others would freeze. they appear free, while others chained. they seem fearless.
but great men are not born of a lack of fear.
no
great men have fear, just as much as you or I, maybe more.
What seperates the average man from a great man is courage.
Fear may never leave us, maybe it will, but until we can learn to act, especially in the midst of fear, we will all continue to live our lives a prisoner to it. A mere puppet, each string pulled by what we should or shouldn’t do. Each potential action, each hope, each dream, stolen by what-ifs. By imagined futures that more than likely will never arrive.
answers for the insecure, or unhappy
i used to ask myself these question constantly.
what’s wrong with me?
what did i do?
i fucked this up again.
can’t do anything right
eventually you’ll get tired of looking at what’s wrong with you.
you’ll realize that theres not only something wrong with you, but with everyone, every person you’ll ever meet is flawed.
admittedly, some make it more obvious than others,
but not one of us can say that we are not human.
the majority of the time, our own flaws seem much more magnified to ourselves than to everyone else, because we are the ones whom allow these flaws to take our attentions away from whats important.
what’s right.
what is inherently good about us, what is so perfect that even God couldn’t have done it better.
And he couldn’t have, he blessed each and every one of us with our own gifts, and our own flaws.
What would we be if there were no flaws anyway?
we would be perfect, correct?
but how could there be perfection if there is no flaws, if there is nothing that is not perfect?
how can there be good, without bad?
no, there couldn’t be. we must have these comparisons. for this is how we base our own attitudes, our perceptions, and our likes and dislikes.
without these “flaws” we wouldn’t be much more than mindless robots, going about our days simply doing. neither good nor bad, not enjoyable nor unenjoyable, just blah. nothing
These things make us unique, and without them we would not be.
The funny thing is, to you they may be flaws, they may be the worst possible thing you can imagine about yourself, but someone might find endearing what you deem repulsive, attractive what you consider unnattractive.
There is only one way to ever know.
L I V E
for me, writing has for the most part come to a screeching halt. i barely write here, and i no longer keep a notebook, except for informational purposes. i had almost five notebooks filled from the past year and a half. i destroyed them. i bought a bottle of lighter fluid, and a pack of matches, then i went down to a private section of the waterfront on the lake where i knew they had grills. i loaded all my notebooks into the grill at once and doused in lighter fluid what was once for me a journey, and a seperate life. i lit a match, threw it in, and watched it all burn to make sure there was nothing left. goodbye
who knew eating a poppy seed bagel could make you fail a drug test?
Back to the grind tomorrow. It’s been a good visit with my family. I got trashed at the bar with Steve. Didn’t buy one drink. I had a good time up until I got home, when the reguritation began. Even though I can legallydrink it now. Fuck alcohol. I still feel slightly queasy. Anyway, Hope you enjoyed the birthday update. Now I must go prepare for a nice seven hour Train ride.
it feels good to feel good.
i miss the way you look at me, and how you play with my hair.
i miss just holding you in my arms, and how it made dissappear all my cares.
i love the way you loved me, even when i didn’t like myself.
i love the way you offered advice, even though i never asked for help.
you gave me everything, and i took it all away.
now i’m hanging by a thread, just trying to get through the day.
